Training Camp (Wrap Up)

As my last week of training camp has come to a close, I wanted to take a moment to share my heart and some of the ways the Lord has been growing me, even in these short few weeks.

I came into this trip full of expectation, hoping that my step of faith would be met by a supernatural encounter with God. I wanted it because I have been feeling distant from Him. The chaos of preparing to leave had begun to overwhelm me, and I was longing for the closeness I once knew with the Lord. So, as I packed my bags, I was hopeful… expectant that God would meet me here in a big way. But to be honest, that hasn’t happened.

I know the truth that God was already here, He’s always been present, and was waiting for me before I even arrived. But if you’ve ever walked closely with Him, you know the ache when that nearness feels absent. I felt like He had called me out of everything familiar and then left me to walk this new road alone.

I was so discouraged the first week and a half I was here because I felt left in the dark. Like God called me away from everything I knew to follow Him and then left me to walk the path on my own. I know the truth to those lies, but it is honestly really hard to continue to say yes when feeling this way. I was and still am so desperate for God. I keep praying that the Lord will reveal Himself to me, to make Himself known, to hear His voice, anything. Despite it all I keep saying yes. And maybe that’s what He’s waiting for. Not just my faith when it’s easy, but my obedience when it’s hard. I believe He’s either preparing me for something ahead or trying to show me something I’ve yet to see. But I will say that as I lean into Him and grow in patience, God has been appearing in the smallest ways and showing me glimpses of the “more” that He has for me, as I see Him moving in my heart and the people around me. And I’ve noticed that whenever you give Him room to be active and a part of something, He shows up.

One of those moments happened just last week. After a group worship time, I sat down to journal and silently prayed that God would open a door for a deep conversation with one of my squadmates I hadn’t connected with much yet. She’s someone who often blends into the background, but for some reason the Lord had really placed her on my heart to have this conversation with her. It was just her and I who stayed back and were journaling, and who would have guessed that when we both finished SHE would start a conversation with me. We ended up talking for over an hour and a half about things we were both wrestling with. How we’ve been feeling God stirring something in us, but fear keeps getting in the way. I shared how I was feeling far from God and distracted, and to my surprise she said she’s in a very similar boat. 

That conversation was such a gift. I walked away so encouraged by the wisdom and truth we reminded one another of. Even though it was everything I knew before, I think God used that conversation to bring new understanding to those promises. It felt like an audible whisper from the Lord, “Keep going. I’m doing something you just haven’t seen yet.”

If I’m honest, sometimes I hesitate to ask God for things, not because I doubt His power, but because I feel unworthy. Who am I that He would care enough to answer my prayers? But recently I’ve been learning that God just wants a heart that simply desires Him. I wanted to have that conversation with her because I admired her faith. And God met me there to use it to spark something in my own.

The biggest change I’ve experienced in this season so far has been in my heart. Through every session, every activity, every quiet moment, my heart has been slowly reshaping to look like the Father’s. My view of God has gone beyond a church building to now stretching as far as the universe expands. I’m learning what it looks like to have an active faith, one that touches every part of my life, not just moments of worship or prayer. It’s the way you live, the way your heart beats. I feel a lot like the blind man in Mark 8. The first time Jesus laid His hands on him, he saw things vaguely, “I see people; they look like trees walking around” (v 24), but it was the second time when Jesus fully restored his sight. That’s what this feels like… a restored sight of who God is. Nothing about what I knew of God has changed, but my view of Him has been magnified. His character, His power, His love, His plan… It’s all becoming so much clearer.

I’m still walking through feeling distant from the Lord, but I’m clinging to His promise: “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13). I’ve already seen the fruit of seeking Him, and I know that if I continue to do so with my whole heart, it will become so much more abundant. My deepest desire is to be so close to the Lord that everything else flows from that intimacy. Not just looking like Him outwardly, but knowing Him deeply. I want to hear His voice, feel His presence, and live in awe of how unworthy I am of Him…  yet know just how much He loves me despite it.

Yes, following Him can be scary because that means dying to yourself, but how much more is it worth to be in such a close relationship with Him?

Another thing that has been revealed to me is how surrender often comes with fear. Because when you give God full access to your life, He might ask you to let go of things you love. And the reality of actually letting God have control over everything is terrifying, because He will actually do it. But true surrender is saying, “Even if I don’t understand, I trust You. You can have everything. I just want You, God.”

Some of the lyrics from the songs we’ve been singing this past month have become the cry of my heart… to have God change my desires to be okay with anything and everything being taken from me and He be all that I have… because He’s all that I need:

“You can take the clothes off my back.

You can take the shoes off my feet.

You can take all that I have.

‘Cause I have all that I need.”

“I don’t want anyone else.

I don’t need anything else.

You are my one thing.

You are my one thing.”

It’s hard to explain it all through words on a page because it means so much more than that… It’s my life… my role in God’s story… how He’s is working and moving in me to bring about His eternal glory. But I have this trust that God is going to use this in whatever way He wants. I hope He uses it to encourage you all in that how the Lord is moving in me, He can move in you too. No matter where you are and what you do… my prayer is that this fire He’s lit inside me becomes a flame that spreads wildly back home.

So…Let Him in. Give Him room. And I promise you, He will show up.

Scripture has definitely been the thing I’ve been clinging to the most in this season, but I wanted to share a passage someone encouraged me with recently. That even people, like Job, who walked faithfully with the Lord have gone through this hurting absence of Him like I am… crying out and seeking the Lord’s face but having trouble finding Him. But yet he knew and clung to the fact that the Lord hears him and will redeem him from his suffering. That God had a greater plan than what Job could see. 

Job 23:3-4;8-14

“If only I knew where to find God, I would go to his court. I would lay out my case and present my arguments…I go east, but he is not there. I go west, but I cannot find him. I do not see him in the north, for he is hidden. I look to the south, but he is concealed. ‘But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold. For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside. I have not departed from his commands, but have treasured his words more than daily food. But once he has made his decision, who can change his mind? Whatever he wants to do, he does. So he will do to me whatever he has planned. He controls my destiny.’”

I hope this gives a glimpse into the growth that’s going on in my heart. Not just hearing how the Lord is using me but how He’s working in me during this trip. And most importantly, I just want this to encourage you all to seek the Lord with your whole heart and invite Him into every aspect of your life. Because He so desperately wants you to.

Much Love, Jaydin