When I think about coming home in 8 weeks it often leads me to think about what’s next for me after my race. What will I step into next? And a recent reality I’ve been facing is how I’ve been going through these past seven months with the mindset of, “I’ve already said yes once so I can say no to the rest the Lord might ask— I’ve paid my dues, so I don’t owe God any more surrender like this trip.” Yet, I’ve been walking with conviction in my heart about the truth of what it means to follow the Lord. It means “Hineni”, saying yes before I know. The choice you make in following Jesus is the choice to lay down things in your life you don’t yet know He’s asking you to surrender.  Never would I have guessed at even 17 I would be doing a trip like this for the Lord at 18. I told everyone I wouldn’t even leave home for college because I didn’t want to be away from my family. And yet I’ve been not just out of my community but out of my country for nine months stepping into the “yes” I made when first following the Lord. In that moment, at 16 years old, I didn’t know but He did, all He wanted to accomplish through me.  Just like when Abraham in Genesis 22 says the word “Hineni” (Here I am) to God before knowing He would ask him to sacrifice Isaac. God wanted to accomplish something through Abraham that He didn’t quite understand what it would be but said yes anyways. He even continued to say yes when God told him it would lead to the sacrificing of his son.

We could make everything we do throughout our lives be for God and He’d still ask us for more. Because it’s not about the tally marks of how much you’ve already offered. It's about the purpose He has in you to fulfill the plan He has on this earth.

The reality I’m facing is a certain one. That soon I will be stepping into another season of God asking me to climb my next mountain. To sail in my next set of stormy seas. And I’m afraid. I’m scared of what it is I’ve already said yes to. Because I’ve chosen to live this life for Him and I won’t turn back from that now— but every day I’m faced with the hard reality of it. That maybe He’ll ask me to leave my family again. Leave my country again. And fulfill His purpose for me, that once again will lead me away from the desires that I have.

No wonder they say it’s a daily taking up of your cross. Because I definitely feel the daily difficulty of choosing life for God over my own.

But something I’ve seen in every decision I make to choose to say yes to the Lord, is Him showing up and inviting me into more than I could have ever imagined. He’s taken poor decisions, wrong heart postures, unwillingness, and turned it into a beautiful story I’ve so graciously gotten to walk out. Somehow through it all I’m met with the grace and kindness of the Lord. I have never known purpose, joy, or fulfillment like I’ve found on this trip. Through walking in the “Hineni” from the beginning of my faith. I’ve seen the Kingdom coming through what the Lord is doing through my life. I’ve seen compassion in me that was never there before. I’ve seen an urgency to not waste opportunities the Lord can use to call others to Himself. I’ve seen a transformation in my heart that only God can do. And so even though I’m scared of what my next “yes” is, I know it will be good. Because He has only been good to me. I’ve experienced a side of the Lord that many don’t. I’ve experienced what true dependence on Him is. To take the steps of faith with a lack of faith, and see Him move. I want my next yes to be easier than the last, but that’s not promised. I want my desires to be part of His plan, but that’s not promised. And it’s not Him being cruel or a mean God. Because would a cruel or mean God send His Son to die for the people who’d kill Him? No. It’s actually Him being a loving God to use His people to fulfill His purpose of uniting things back under Him. He’s invited me and I get to be a part of it. What a privilege and blessing that is.

Recently we hiked two volcanoes here, Acatenango and Fuego. It was a 24-hour hiking trip. A huge mental game as well as physical. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But at the top, looking down at everything, being above the clouds, watching the sunset and volcano explode, everything we had just done immediately was worth it. And if you asked me to do it again I would. You see, I look at following Jesus as the same thing. He asks you to climb this mountain, and all while doing it, it feels so hard. You constantly want to give up. But on your way you see glimpses of what’s ahead and it spurs you on. Till you get to the top and it’s nothing like you imagined. You never could have pictured the extent of the beauty it beheld.

On this trip I’ve had the highest moments of my life and the lowest. I’ve wanted to give up so many times, and I’ve tasted and seen the most rewarding glimpses of Heaven. Yes, this race is the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it’s also the easiest thing I’d do again. Because it’s so worth it. Whatever is after this, I know the certainty of the surrender that will come with it. I know the joy you receive in taking that step but I also know the hard battle it is to wake up each morning and pick up that cross. And I’m afraid. But I share all of this with you to be an encouragement to step into something the Lord might be asking you to say yes to that takes a lot of faith and surrender. Because I know surely it’s not easy, but it’s so worth it!