Honduras— a quiet living, mountainous, farm life. Sleeping in tents, doing manual labor, and living among a community of people in great necessity. Don't leave the mountain besides one day a week. Take care of animals and work on construction projects daily. Walk sometimes miles to visit houses all over the mountain range. And eat lots of beans, eggs, tortillas, and goat cheese— but man, life is so good here! 

Both in Honduras and Swaziland, my experience has been in the secluded, middle-of-nowhere, areas of the country. Living in close community with the people and seeing the worst of their needs. It has captured my heart in more ways than I can explain. To be sheltered in communities with people who have only ever known this. To see what you'd think is the worst of poverty, when it's actually the reality of much more than majority of the people in this world. It's so normal that I've grown numb to seeing dirt floors, crumbling walls, mud hut, and rusted metal panel homes. I no longer carry the shock I once had or heartbreak it once gave me, but expect it. I love being in these types of communities. Everyone needs Jesus. Everyone needs the gospel. But these people need a hope that's indescribable. The ministry we do here isn't just loving people. It's helping them to survive. It's bringing them something they wouldn't have gotten otherwise. I know that missionaries are needed everywhere. Including America. But I can't lie— these people are the ones who have captured my heart to serve. Because I learn just as much from them as they receive from me. The gratitude they have. Faith. It just doesn't compare to the faith we have praying God will work out our first-world problems. We can often be blind to the need we have for Him because of the “perfect” lives we can live without Him. However, here, they need Jesus to survive the next day. They depend on Him. A dependence that not even I understand after being on this trip. It's heartbreaking, yet inspiring. It fills me with purpose.

I've loved how different this country has been for our squad. I've had the chance to not just serve with my team but we get to do ministry as a whole squad each day. We're all assigned to the same tasks and split off to get the jobs done. I've seen a deepening of friendships here on our squad that has been such a gift from the Lord to get to end our trip this way. I share a tent with my sweet friend Ellie, who has been such a shoulder for me to lean on during this trip, outside of my team. She has a special place in my heart. I couldn't do this trip with her.

Our ministry hosts here too are amazing. There is a lead pastor who started this ministry and then has "staff" who work alongside him. They are a family and it has been so sweet to join their Catracho team. Instantly they welcomed us with open arms and love, and I've gotten so close to them. They are truly servants of the Lord as they don't fundraise for the work they do, don't make any money for the work they do, and often go without food for periods of time because of the sacrifice they're doing for this community. They told us they are so grateful to have teams come out and serve with them because it means they'll have consistent food for the time they'll be there. That was heartbreaking to hear all they endure. Also, almost every person on the Catracho team is here with very unsupportive families. Demeaning the work they're doing for these communities and the obedience they have for the Lord. Their stories are hard, but their faith is strong. To work alongside them is a privilege I'm so glad I was given.

Honduras has been amazing. I've loved every second of this place. But the season being here has been a bit of a difficult one. The race is hard. It's not easy to be on this trip, no matter how far through you are. It has not gotten easier. And our squad has been walking through a hard season of feeling burnt out and ready to be home. We've been struggling with the desire to give up and call it quits. Four people have left in the last month. Gone home. And many others wish to do the same. I won't lie, there are times I'm in that boat as well. Because running the race with endurance is not for the faint of heart. Some days you're showing up every day for the Lord with nothing to give. Some days you're surrounded by people but feel so alone. Those days have felt more than often for me recently. I want to be here. I want it to be easy. But for some reason, it's not. It's a battle to find your joy in the Lord only each day. My Spirit wants to serve, to lay down my desires and live selflessly. But it's not easy when your very sinful nature wants to do the exact opposite. It's a battle to fight your flesh that doesn't desire to be where you are or do what you're doing every day. That battle has felt like the whole race for me. I'm growing weary. Have been for a while now. But I'm determined to keep fighting. I've been clinging to scripture. Using the power of my tongue to lift myself and others up. Fighting not to just finish strong but continue to run with endurance even after this trip has ended. And I've seen a lot of light at the end of this tunnel. I have seen the choice I can make in the midst of this hard season— to sit or lean into it. I could come complacent in, "oh well, that's just how it's going to be the rest of the trip I guess" or I could choose to be present in the hard season I'm in and press into it. I can embrace the fact that yes I may miss my family but soon I'll be missing these people right in front of me. Or, yes I may feel like I don't have much to give right now, but that just means I have so much more I can receive. Letting the Lord and others fill my cup, encourage me, and renew my strength.

This season has been nothing short of demanding and hard. There have been many times I've come so desperate to the Father. Times I've needed Him more than I ever have before. And I can struggle with feeling like that's a bad thing. That if I truly loved Him, serving Him for these nine months would be easy. But that’s not true. And that’s why Jesus asks us to count the cost in Matthew 8. Because following Him does come with one. But the question is whether or not He’s worth it. Getting to reflect when I write these blogs has helped me to see just how great my need is for the Lord. And that's been such a blessing! That He is so kind to reveal to me just how great my need for Him is. Because I'm not believing the delusion, that so many do, that I can find a way to live without Him. I have a living hope I can run to when I'm weary. When I'm tired. When I can't walk and need to be carried. And instead of being met with an empty void, I'm met with a loving Father. Who cares so much for me. Who helps me when I’m in desperate need. And that’s why He’s so worth it!