Dear Malaysia

As I’m heading off to Guatemala in less than a week, I’ve been thinking of how I want to close this chapter of my trip with all of you. I want to share my heart in a way that’s hard to see from the surface. I feel like it’s easier to share the good parts, but I also want to be real about how this part of the trip has been for me. The highs. The lows. And everything in between. I’m not quite sure where to begin, so maybe I’ll start with this…

Dear Malaysia,

My time here was far different from what I thought it would be. When I first arrived I was so expectant for how the Lord was going to use me. That I was going to make a lasting mark. To start a revival among your people and see salvation come to those around me. I thought I was going to see more immediate fruit from what I was doing here. But it seems you’re the one who’s made a mark on me. A scar. One that hurt. One that healed. One that I’ll always carry.

The darkness, spiritual heaviness, it was something I didn’t expect to experience from you. I struggled most of my time through these two months, fighting the weight of it. The lies the enemy spoke over me, “your work here is pointless” or “you’re not doing enough to change anything”. I felt like you didn’t need me. That I wasn’t doing anything for you. Ministry was so, one foot in—one foot out. It felt lukewarm because we were involved in so much and yet I didn’t feel I had strong connections or relationships anywhere. I felt thrown at everything. Just show up with a smile on your face and hope that people’s interaction with you makes a difference in their lives. There was so much pressure. So many failed opportunities. Rough ministry days, where I came tired and I failed to give my all. I felt like I was messing up left and right. And spiritually I was so drained. Not with the Lord— but drained from unknowingly fighting the enemy’s presence here. I felt so sad and anxious all the time, yet I didn’t know why. All I knew was I wanted to run from the feeling. To bury it and not let it control me till I couldn’t hold back any longer. All of these feelings made me want to leave this place. So heavy and burdensome. I didn’t want to be present in such a place that I couldn’t change, but instead was changing me. I was desperate to go home. But instead of giving in to your difficulty, I pressed into the Lord. And here’s how He delivered me—

Quickly turning to the Lord in this, He showed me that you would be nothing short of a challenge. That I was experiencing something far different from anything I’ve ever understood, to be grown and molded deeper into a reflection on Him. Through you, He was shaping my heart— continuing to keep it aligned with His. I had to learn many lessons, one of which was to be bold. I felt like He wasn’t using me to make an impact on you because I wasn’t seeking the opportunities He was laying out for me and being bold to step into those opportunities. But walking with the Lord through it, I’ve had incredible interactions with others where I’ve now seen Him working through my small actions. Like the time I talked with a Buddhist man about whether he has a personal relationship with God and if he wanted one, and he told me he’d never thought about that before. Or the muslim barista at the coffee shop, whom we invited to sit with us and have had, on multiple occasions now, gospel conversations with. Or even the two women I got to pray for healing over at the bakery we volunteer at. I learned to let the Lord open my eyes to His perspective. To see people the way He does. And it’s carried me to care for every person I meet, because His heart is for all of them to know and love Him as He knows and loves them.

I’ve also had to learn to let the Lord work through me in hard things. That even though Malaysia wasn’t how I thought it would be doesn’t mean it was a failure to God. He goes before me. He knows my path. His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are greater than my thoughts. So in the midst of uncertain and expected seasons, I need to lean into Him instead of listening to the enemy’s voice. Which is that of a rip current slowly taking you out to sea. You don’t realize you’re being taken out until it’s gotten you so far that it’s hard to swim back. Which goes into another lesson I had to learn…

How to decipher the enemy’s voice and the Spirit stirring inside me. After time passed and the Lord brought me out of a hard season here, the tide came in again. I had one of the most transformative yet daunting experiences of my life. A physical encounter with the enemy. His presence. His voice. His face. All made known to me in a moment after experiencing him in a conversation with a muslim girl we were evangelizing to. In that moment, I heard this voice. Though briefly confused, I quickly realized it was not the Spirit of the Lord speaking to me, but the enemy. I think he chose to reveal himself now because I was allowing the Lord to begin to actually use me to make a mark here. And he did not like that. So he used his greatest advantage— fear. He held me there, showing me the depths of how broken this place is. How lost and far gone the people among you are. But when turning to the Lord in it, He asked me why I was surprised at learning this about you. His spirit does not reside with the people here. Of course the enemy would be present. Which led me to learn another lesson about the Lord’s heart. That this is exactly where He wants and needs His followers the most. Walking through all of this made me want to say goodbye to you all the sooner, but now I see that this is why I need to be here. Because the Lord is so desperate for your people, Malaysia.

I think of my sweet student Sumaiyyah, who I tutor at the Rohingya school. How she’s growing up in the depths of your darkness. How I hope and pray that in some way, my coming here will spark her heart to chase after the Lord. That He’ll call her name and she’ll recognize Him from the little piece of what she saw in me. How I don’t want this kind of life for her.

It feels so bittersweet to say goodbye to you, Malaysia. I know I’m ready to move on, but there’s an ache in my heart that wishes I loved you more. Maybe I didn’t do this chapter perfectly, but like I always say… I wouldn’t change a thing. Because I never would have gotten this scar from when the Lord carried me through this valley and showed me the brokenness hidden beneath the trees— so I could love and grow a heart for that same brokenness, carried within you, to be restored by His hand.

It’s honest. Maybe more than I should be… but something I really want to be is real about all the areas of this trip. I feel like my Instagram and Photocircle show the highlight reel of what I do and how I’m doing, but my blog is a place where I can share the heart and soul behind it all. At times it’s ugly, but in the end it’s always beautiful! So even though Malaysia might not be my favorite part of this trip, I’m still so grateful for the lessons I’ve learned, areas I’ve grown, and people I’ve gained a heart for. That the Lord could help lead me through this dark place to leave a trail of light behind. Thanks for listening. I hope it’s not hard to hear this side of the trip, but encouraging in that the Lord really is doing a work and shaping me through this nine-month adventure.

Don’t worry though, I want to finish off Malaysia on a high note. A good memory! So my next blog will be more upbeat, and I’ll share all of the fun adventures I’ve gotten to go on here and the sweet friendships I’ve made! So be on the lookout.